Hello Bigbrother! This is your egbon speaking. Please come
to the diary room for questioning.’
‘Huh? This is my what? Who the hell is my egbon? I am
Bigbrother and nobody summons me to any diary room.’
‘Shut your mouth Bigbrother and listen very carefully. I am
your egbon. That means I am your bigger brother and you have to show me some
respect. And If I want you in the diary room, you go there without a grumble.
And listen Bigbrother, you better take your hands off your pocket and wipe that
fake baritone off your voice when talking to your egbon. Olori buruku omo ti o
ni respect. Are you still standing there? You have less than
a
minute to put on a shirt and present yourself for questioning in the diary
room.’
‘Please sit down Bigbrother, you are now in egbon’s diary
room and in the course of this session, no argument will be tolerated. You are
only allowed to speak when answering a question. And you are only permitted to
answer my questions with “Yes egbon” or “No egbon.” Have I made myself very
clear Bigbrother?’
‘Yes egbon.’
‘Very good, now my first question, Bigbrother, are you aware
that your ratings have dropped tremendously?’
‘Yes egbon.’
‘And do you have any contingency plan to salvage this
situation?’
‘No egbon.’
‘Why don’t you have a contingency plan? Isn’t that what any
intelligent person would do?’
‘Yes egbon but nobody would have thought my ratings would
crash at any point considering my platform.’
Moving on Bigbrother, tell me, was it part of your initial
plan for people to be subjected to those troubling scenes which are corrupting
the morals of their children?’
‘Ehmm yes egbon, that was actually the plan. That is why it
is called a reality TV show.’
‘So you are saying that the smoking of marijuana and
drinking alcohol are also part of this reality?’
‘Egbon, these house mates are no kids and some of them are
chain smokers and drunkards outside TV. So, why make them pretend on TV?
Moreover, making money is the objective and you and I know that immorality
sells faster than anything on TV.’
‘Bigbrother, I want you to be very honest with your answer
to the next question.’
‘Ok egbon trust me.’
‘I was told you have two daughters, can you lock any or both
of them in the same house with strangers from other countries for months and
allow them have random sex and shower naked under camera surveillance with the
whole world watching?’
‘Egbon sincerely I won’t.’
‘Why won’t you? But you told me in clear terms that the main
objective of your show is to promote mutual coexistence between Africans from
various countries.’
‘Egbon my children are schooling and they are not cut out
for things like this.’
‘Oh, you mean other people’s children are good to coexist
but yours can’t ehn Bigbrother?’
‘Egbon, my daughters are very fragile and they get bruised
easily. But are you accusing me of taking advantage of the contestants or the
public? I never forced anybody to subscribe to my show. Also the contestants
knew what they were getting into from the outset. Nobody forced them to
participate. And egbon, how come nobody talks about my $300,000 that the winner
takes home every season? How come nobody talks about the fact that I am turning
these guys into celebrities? Most of them were on the streets and I gave them
opportunities. People should stop this undeserved criticism.’
‘But are you aware that people are referring to what you
have here as a modern day concentration camp?’
‘Egbon, I have never heard that term before.’
‘Yes of course you haven’t. But you must have heard that
most religious leaders are clamouring for your outright ban?’
‘Egbon, don’t make me laugh, I can assure you that those
ones are the addicted viewers of the shower hour. Egbon, abeg leave the
religious leaders, I don’t have time for their hypocrisy.’
‘Ok, Bigbrother, tell me the first thing that went through
your mind when you heard your show was banned by the Malawian government.’
‘Egbon sincerely I just laughed at the jokers and knew such
ban won’t last and like I predicted, it didn’t.’
‘So who was responsible for the lifting of the ban?’
‘Egbon I am Bigbrother but you of all people should know
that I have bigger brothers.’
‘Yes I am one of your bigger brothers and I was sent here by
others because we are all losing patience with the drop of income. And before I
leave here Bigbrother, let me inform you that the other financiers including
myself would love to know your plans to increase your ratings.’
‘Egbon, there is no need to worry. Just tell them they will
start making a lot of more money very soon.’
‘Bigbrother please cut the crap and give us something
tangible. What exactly do you have in mind?’
‘Egbon I am introducing other side attractions like lap
dancing and stripping from next season. It will be tagged “Bigbrother the
Erotica.” I know a lot of people will call for my head at first but trust me
egbon, like shower hour, it will be another hit and income from sms will pour
in like water from a broken dam.’
‘That would be fantastic Bigbrother. But don’t you consider
that kids are watching?’
‘Egbon that’s why we have PG regulations and this new
additions can only be viewed by special subscribers.’
‘Bigbrother I can assure you that these additions will most
definitely bring about your end. You will be butchered from left, right and
centre.’
‘Forget that tin, egbon. Like 2baba would say, nothing dey
happen
