Etcetera Ridicules Big Brother Africa In His New Article

Hello Bigbrother! This is your egbon speaking. Please come to the diary room for questioning.’

‘Huh? This is my what? Who the hell is my egbon? I am Bigbrother and nobody summons me to any diary room.’

‘Shut your mouth Bigbrother and listen very carefully. I am your egbon. That means I am your bigger brother and you have to show me some respect. And If I want you in the diary room, you go there without a grumble. And listen Bigbrother, you better take your hands off your pocket and wipe that fake baritone off your voice when talking to your egbon. Olori buruku omo ti o ni respect. Are you still standing there? You have less than a minute to put on a shirt and present yourself for questioning in the diary room.’

‘Please sit down Bigbrother, you are now in egbon’s diary room and in the course of this session, no argument will be tolerated. You are only allowed to speak when answering a question. And you are only permitted to answer my questions with “Yes egbon” or “No egbon.” Have I made myself very clear Bigbrother?’

‘Yes egbon.’

‘Very good, now my first question, Bigbrother, are you aware that your ratings have dropped tremendously?’

‘Yes egbon.’

‘And do you have any contingency plan to salvage this situation?’

‘No egbon.’

‘Why don’t you have a contingency plan? Isn’t that what any intelligent person would do?’

‘Yes egbon but nobody would have thought my ratings would crash at any point considering my platform.’

Moving on Bigbrother, tell me, was it part of your initial plan for people to be subjected to those troubling scenes which are corrupting the morals of their children?’

‘Ehmm yes egbon, that was actually the plan. That is why it is called a reality TV show.’

‘So you are saying that the smoking of marijuana and drinking alcohol are also part of this reality?’

‘Egbon, these house mates are no kids and some of them are chain smokers and drunkards outside TV. So, why make them pretend on TV? Moreover, making money is the objective and you and I know that immorality sells faster than anything on TV.’

‘Bigbrother, I want you to be very honest with your answer to the next question.’

‘Ok egbon trust me.’

‘I was told you have two daughters, can you lock any or both of them in the same house with strangers from other countries for months and allow them have random sex and shower naked under camera surveillance with the whole world watching?’

‘Egbon sincerely I won’t.’

‘Why won’t you? But you told me in clear terms that the main objective of your show is to promote mutual coexistence between Africans from various countries.’

‘Egbon my children are schooling and they are not cut out for things like this.’

‘Oh, you mean other people’s children are good to coexist but yours can’t ehn Bigbrother?’

‘Egbon, my daughters are very fragile and they get bruised easily. But are you accusing me of taking advantage of the contestants or the public? I never forced anybody to subscribe to my show. Also the contestants knew what they were getting into from the outset. Nobody forced them to participate. And egbon, how come nobody talks about my $300,000 that the winner takes home every season? How come nobody talks about the fact that I am turning these guys into celebrities? Most of them were on the streets and I gave them opportunities. People should stop this undeserved criticism.’

‘But are you aware that people are referring to what you have here as a modern day concentration camp?’ 

‘Egbon, I have never heard that term before.’

‘Yes of course you haven’t. But you must have heard that most religious leaders are clamouring for your outright ban?’

‘Egbon, don’t make me laugh, I can assure you that those ones are the addicted viewers of the shower hour. Egbon, abeg leave the religious leaders, I don’t have time for their hypocrisy.’

‘Ok, Bigbrother, tell me the first thing that went through your mind when you heard your show was banned by the Malawian government.’

‘Egbon sincerely I just laughed at the jokers and knew such ban won’t last and like I predicted, it didn’t.’

‘So who was responsible for the lifting of the ban?’

‘Egbon I am Bigbrother but you of all people should know that I have bigger brothers.’

‘Yes I am one of your bigger brothers and I was sent here by others because we are all losing patience with the drop of income. And before I leave here Bigbrother, let me inform you that the other financiers including myself would love to know your plans to increase your ratings.’

‘Egbon, there is no need to worry. Just tell them they will start making a lot of more money very soon.’

‘Bigbrother please cut the crap and give us something tangible. What exactly do you have in mind?’

‘Egbon I am introducing other side attractions like lap dancing and stripping from next season. It will be tagged “Bigbrother the Erotica.” I know a lot of people will call for my head at first but trust me egbon, like shower hour, it will be another hit and income from sms will pour in like water from a broken dam.’

‘That would be fantastic Bigbrother. But don’t you consider that kids are watching?’

‘Egbon that’s why we have PG regulations and this new additions can only be viewed by special subscribers.’

‘Bigbrother I can assure you that these additions will most definitely bring about your end. You will be butchered from left, right and centre.’

‘Forget that tin, egbon. Like 2baba would say, nothing dey happen