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If you are reading this, it means that I have committed
suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I
would’ve lived isn’t worth living in… because I’m transgender. I could go into
detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be
lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy’s
body, and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word
for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never
told anyone and I just continued to do traditionally “boyish” things to try to
fit in.
When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of
happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I
immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that
it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make
mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell
this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people
don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won’t do anything but
make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.
My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take
me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got
the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more christians
telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.
When I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come
around, and that I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of
transitioning treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait,
the harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to look
like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday, when I didn’t receive
consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep.
I formed a sort of a “f*** you” attitude towards my parents
and came out as gay at school, thinking that maybe if I eased into coming out
as trans it would be less of a shock. Although the reaction from my friends was
positive, my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking their image,
and that I was an embarrassment to them. They wanted me to be their perfect
little straight christian boy, and that’s obviously not what I wanted.
So they took me out of public school, took away my laptop
and phone, and forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely
isolating me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was
the most depressed, and I’m surprised I didn’t kill myself. I was completely
alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parent’s
disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.
At the end of the school year, my parents finally came
around and gave me my phone and let me back on social media. I was excited, I
finally had my friends back. They were extremely excited to see me and talk to
me, but only at first. Eventually they realized they didn’t actually give a
s**t about me, and I felt even lonelier than I did before. The only friends I
thought I had only liked me because they saw me five times a week.
After a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight
of having to think about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up,
go to church each week and feel like s**t because everyone there is against
everything I live for, I have decided I’ve had enough. I’m never going to
transition successfully, even when I move out. I’m never going to be happy with
the way I look or sound. I’m never going to have enough friends to satisfy me.
I’m never going to have enough love to satisfy me. I’m never going to find a
man who loves me. I’m never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my
life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier
woman who hates herself. There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough
already, I don’t need my life to get any worse. People say “it gets better” but
that isn’t true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.
That’s the gist of it, that’s why I feel like killing
myself. Sorry if that’s not a good enough reason for you, it’s good enough for
me. As for my will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and
the money (plus my money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights
movements and support groups, I don’t give a s**t which one. The only way I
will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I
was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender
needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to
mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender
people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and
say “that’s f***ed up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.
Goodbye,
(Leelah) Josh Alcorn
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